How to Have a Happy, Goofy Childhood as an Adult
August 2021 Edition
ROCK OF AGES
“Rock and roll keeps you in a constant state of juvenile delinquency.” — Eddie Spaghetti.
Rock concerts are not just for 20, 30, or 40 somethings. Remember all those rock songs with lyrics that became your personal Judd Nelson fist to the sky life anthems? Remember how you danced alone and sang your favorite songs in your bedroom when you were pissed off/sad/happy/ambivalent/high? (Anyone else play Blue Oyster Cult’s Secret Treaties album on quadraphonic speakers? Anyone?) Remember how cool it was to actual hear your favorite song lyrics sung during a live concert? And the drum solos. Yeah baby, the drum solos!!
Look, your anthems and your taste in rock music may change over time, but they still exist, no matter your age. And its time you get back out there (safely, but back out there), to listen to rock music live. It’s time to party people!(Safely)
I know life sometimes can get tough and I know life sometimes can be a drag, But people, we have been given a gift, we have been given a road, And that road’s name is rock and roll. — Gene Simmons, Russ Ballard, Paul Stanley, Bob Ezrin
On Sunday, 8/15, I was at Wrigley Field jamming out to Weezer, Fall Out Boy, and Green Day. It was my first rock concert since 2019. I stood, I sat, I stood, I sat… my mask was on, then off, then on again…and- I had the time of my life.
On Thursday, September 16th, I’ll quickly break my (“Oy Vey, I’m eating before the sun sets and damn it, why isn’t anyone in this band Jewish), Yom Kippur fast and race to Wrigley Field for Guns N Roses. Basically, I’ll quietly atone for all the sins I’ve committed and all the hurt I’ve inflicted over the past year, for nearly 24 hours. Then I’ll change into evil ROCK GIRL! Translation: I’ll be swearing like a truck driver at the idiots who invade my personal space while I’m rocking out. Sorry G-d…
I shall wear a black Magellan travel vest with 14 inside pockets so I don’t have to bring a small purse that inevitably ends up smacking ME in the front, the back, and/or the side, as well as the concert “space” invaders.
Some of my 14 “rock pockets” are filled with:
1.) A few masks with skulls on them, because the standard masks simply won’t do.
2.) A very tiny bottle of Purell.
3.) A portable halo light that’s attached to my I-phone to illuminate my social media “proof of life.”
4.) Tissues in case I sneeze.
5.) An I-Phone fan because I sweat like a pig at rock concerts.
6.) An OFF Deep Woods wipe.
7.) 1 set of professional grade ear plugs (just a reminder for those who have read my other essays, I wear hearing aids because… either it’s a hereditary hearing loss in both ears, or… umm….
8.) Hmmm…maybe a few extra tissues for the Porta Potty.
9.) Oh, and some extra contact lenses in case my eyes get super dry.
Do lines 4–9 give my age away? (Keep moving. Nothing to see here.)
HOW DID I GET HERE?
I’ve noticed my thirst for attending Rock Concerts/Festivals increased over the past 10 years. Especially now that it hurts like hell to stand for hours at a time, and I’ve got to have a chair for intermittent “relaxation moments”, and I can’t hear the bands in all their glory due to my sound muffling ear plugs, AND the fact that I really only drink (at most) two glasses of white wine with a handy bottle of water. (Except for Lollapalooza…where there is a bit more beverage consumption. It is after all, a 4 day concert.)
Additionally, I like to think of myself as philanthropic, and I’m generally happy to get down get funky now at fund raisers, especially when there is a good concert attached. Rock out and do good? Hell to the yes!
While I’m here, this is where I shout out to Teen Cancer America who’s founders: Roger Daltrey and Pete Townsend have given gallons of rock blood to their worthwhile cause. And I try to attend yearly Raise Your Glass Backyard concerts to raise money for worthwhile causes that benefit UCLA Health and Teen Cancer America. See the lovely links below to find out more about Teen Cancer America.
Or maybe… my increase in rock concert attendance is simply my personal race to see who is going to die first, the band members or me.
The reason I can handle the rock concerts at my age? VIP packages. In some cases, that gets me free drinks, a little nosh, and a reception seat to allow some “relaxation moments, in between all the standing, and — sometimes the actual seat is closer to the artists than usual, or maybe… (Re read the line above in bold.) Lollapalooza Platinum tickets get me in front, access to a golf cart to traverse main stages, good food, and Fema trucks with private bathrooms that are NOT Porta Potties. Plus, air conditioned lounges are nice when its 90 plus. Folks can dance in and around me at the EDM stage, but I don’t mind… I’ve got access to air conditioning!
Sometimes you get cool (and not so cool) swag in your packages. Sometimes the packages include signed posters with original signatures, or in some cases a meet and greet. In a few rare cases, you get surprised with a meet and greet. Green Day gave out blankets one year, and all of my Madonna books are coffee table favorites. I used the harmonica that U2 gave out in their coffee table book in my final show for the Second City Musical Improv program. I played a woman who only spoke via harmonica. (Anyone want to hear the Jaws theme on the harmonica? Yeah, I can do that.) Water bottles are always swell, because, well, it’s possible to go through several plastic water bottles in one day if you are diligent with your water intake…(Note to self: time to start donating my overflowing collection of plastic water bottles.)
Some day, I will (or will not) relay getting escorted by Bono’s body guard with the friend who originally met him and U2 the night before, into the U2 concert via United Center underground entry. And then, I ran into an industry colleague in the “Red” pit!
{A PAUSE IN THIS ESSAY TO PROVIDE YOU WITH UNSOLICITED CONCERT ADVICE}:
- If you can’t stand for long periods of time, and don’t dig late starting concerts, do not get a front row Madonna seat. Or a Madonna ticket PERIOD.
- The audience stands the entire time. She starts as late as 11:00 p.m., and by 1:00 a.m. — 1:30 a.m. as you sit in the front row with Madonna directly in front of you singing and dancing (with everyone around you standing and dancing), Madonna will glare at you.
You will wish you had on a sign that says “Hi Madonna, I can’t stand for long periods of time and you didn’t start until 11:00 p.m. and sure, the friend who is clapping next to me who you are smiling at can stand for two hours straight in CFMP’s, and don’t my dress boots look great with my outfit, but they are killing me, and I was dressing up for the VIP reception and did I mention these heels are just so damn high and I never should have worn them, and OH MY G-D I’M SO SORRY MADONNA!!!”
Perhaps this is one concert where you need to in “Working Girl” parlance stay home and sing and dance in your underwear.
- I would have given you unsolicited advice re: filming at a Prince concert since I nearly got thrown out of Madison Square Garden by security a couple of times, but - well…
- 6 Feet + tall people will ALWAYS stand directly in front of you, AND they will lift their phones up to film the live concert blocking your view even further, and they are usually drunk - so just deal with it.
- Save your (“I’m older than you are punk”) glares for: women standing on either side of you who are not mindful that their purses are swinging and smacking up against you, people who go in and out of your row constantly because apparently they aren’t allowed to EVER r drink any sort of liquid outside the confines of a concert venue, and the very same people who have had so much to drink they are going potty every ten minutes and they press up against you (without apology) as they constantly exit your row.
Remember, you are youthful, you are rocking out, and not all of the annoying folks are punks. Just some of them. Perhaps we need to create a charity for people who have never seen a beer in their lives, until a rock band takes the stage.
CONCLUSION:
What do I have coming up? I’m at Genesis in November. I cancelled my Rage Against the Machine and Lady Gaga tickets since they are rescheduled for 2022, and I have “meteor strike” scheduled on my calendar…
“Rock ’n’ roll might not solve your problems, but it does let you dance all over them.” — Pete Townsend.
It’s never too late to find new anthems, but you’ve got to get your butt up off the couch, put on a black Magellan travel vest and a cool looking (but safe) mask and go hear live music.
Hey, did you rock ’n’ roll?
Rock on
Ooh, my soul
Hey, did you boogie too, did ya? — David Essex
Stayed tuned for September…
